OK. This bloggie page has been set up for about three years, with NO posts from me. Yep - it's taken me three looooong years to get to the point where I have the courage to put something down here. And, I'm only doing it now because my dear friend threatened me with bodily harm if I didn't get off my ass and do something - anything - to give myself a little direction and discipline.
So, I'm doing this very clumsily and am appalled at the thought that someone might see how tentative and boring this blog will be today. But, fuck it. I AM writing something here. That's way more than I've been able to do for three years, so that's progress in my mind.
I haven't yet figured out how this whole thing is going to work. I don't want a blog where I just vomit out the minutae of my daily life - sort of a masturbation via computer. That bores the living shit out of me. I don't want to do the "yummy mummy" posts about the absolute joys of motherhood and being a stay-at-home mom. That would be a complete and utter lie, and I really can't stand lies. I don't want to whine and complain about my husband, although I imagine I'll do a little of that, or my kids, although I'll also do some of that.
So, what will I do here? I'm not 100 percent sure at this point. I have a vague idea in my head that I want to do something "real." Not something that changes the world or anything - those fantasies are for people in their 20s and 30s. But, something that lets me be real and that lets others be real, too. I mean, let's face it, if you are alive today, you are surrounded by more lies, poseurs, wanna-bes and unreasonable expectations than you can probably stomach. It all seems to be so much like a game to me - let's take on a character - the yuppie, the yummy mummy, the stoner, the well-adjusted middle-aged housewife. Ugh! All just acts, really. What the heck are we underneath, and why the heck is it so hard for us to tell the truth about what's really going on inside?
I once went to a therapist and she asked me why I was so afraid to be myself. I told her that I figured if I really let myself BE myself, I'd turn into some hideous, homicidal monster that would rain down terror on all who dare cross my path.
I admit, I was really trying to be honest that day! ;)
Gotta give it to her, she didn't bat an eye. Her reply? "You sound just like everyone else in the world. You ain't that special, my dear."
Well, uh. That was interesting, I thought. You mean, we are all pissed-off maniacs desperately trying to figure out how to be civilized? I'm not sure if I buy that argument or if I really believe it, but I do know I hunger these days for "real-ness." I'm so tired of having cute little chats with people on Facebook and discussing the cute little things my kids did or how cute my husband is in his complete lack of a clue about most things. It's all so, well, phony, really.
So, if I'm going to do this bloggie thing, I would love to see how a structure of "real" works itself out of me. I figure there are a lot of possibilities here. We could have a "Let's get real" news day where something important in the world is discussed. We could have a "Let's get real" about children day, when all the shit and the beauty get discussed. How about a "Let's get real" about our bodies day? Or, a "Let's get real" about relationships day, etc.
I have to muse on this more, and will have to work out most of these details through my daily blogging - finding out what works for me and what doesn't. What is comfortable, and what makes me cringe. I have no idea when I'll feel able to share this blog with ANYONE, but for now I'm pretty happy just to have finally put something down here. Perhaps I'll even find the courage to write more tomorrow.